He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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