Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
