My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
