I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
