you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
