I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
