Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
