New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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