I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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