I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
