I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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