Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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