Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
