i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
