Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
