he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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