Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
