she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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