I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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