The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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