the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
