I wannas sexs uuuuu
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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