Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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