How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
