so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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