Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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