I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
