dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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