There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
