I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
