we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have tasted many bathrooms
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
