After last night, I could never be a politician.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
