this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Terrible idea I love it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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