No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
