Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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