Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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