Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
