Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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