ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The beer is more important than you right now.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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