Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
