so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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