is your mom at the bar?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
