if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
