He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize