Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
