We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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