Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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