are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
