Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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