Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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