I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
