i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We are all done wearing pants today
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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