Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
