I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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