There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
