headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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