Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
