i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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