I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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